Canine IS; Canine ISN'T

It has been a difficult day. One in which at this point, I need time to sit down and think. I have made up my mind to post about what canine is and isn't for me. It's more poetry, and symbolic than anything.

Canine is both a leader and a follower. He chooses a role. Sometimes submissive, sometimes dominant, he is loyal to his friends. Pack oriented, strong willed and obedient sometimes at the same time, canine rarely lets anyone down, even the "wrong" people. Canine is possessiveness, of food, of family, and of friends. He is territorial, and a guardian. Canine is a fighter, for territory, and is not afraid to stand up for himself. Where he lives is sacred, and he never litters where he will sleep. Canine is a sense of smell. Canine can smell food, sickness, and death. Canine is love.

Canine is NOT too proud. Canine is not alone. Canine never hates, but only protects.




-Desmodus

A Eulogy

This is a copy of a eulogy I wrote for a sweet cat named Buddy on LiveJournal. She will be missed.


Buddy was a funny cat. She'd always climb furniture, and make us laugh. Called the "socialite lesbian" by Samii, Buddy loved being around women, and was a friendly, sweet cat who would cuddle with anyone who wanted (or should I say, whether you liked it or not!)

For those of you who don't know, Buddy died today. She was very ill (cardiac arythmia, labored breathing, and hypothermia), and she was not eating. I knew something was up when she started getting constipated symptoms not long ago. I just had...a feeling, I guess.

Anyway, Buddy was put to sleep today around 1:30 at the vet's office. She is in a better place now, I'm sure. She now has all the chicken she can eat and more!

My condolences to both Posi and Data. You both knew her longer than I, and thus she is more you're cat than mine.


Rest in Peace, Buddy! {Buddy: Estimated 1996-2009}




With love,


-Desmodus

The Epic Spasms

Eye blinking is no fun. Period. When you're on as many medications as I am, you don't know what's causing what, and you're eyes start spasming so much, you don't know what to do with yourself. You get groggy (from lack of open eyes) and depressed. I don't yet drive, but at this rate, I may never even be able to learn (like I've been meaning to).  What good is a driver who can barely see? More of a danger than anything. These spasms sound like blepharospasms, in which case, there is not "cure". Only toxins injected into the muscles can help. 

In the meantime, I'm just waiting in misery for my neurology appointment. 

-Desmodus

Rainy Monday

No, it's not Monday, yet, nor is it raining. I'm not depressed at all either, so this title wouldn't seem fitting at first glance. As it is, I just heard the song "Rainy Monday" by the Shiny Toy Guns on youtube, when a friend gave me the link. I don't usually like to watch videos on youtube from links, but this time it was different. The song was quite nice, and I was impressed. The video, seeming simple at first, was also quite well done. It seemed to have symbolism in it. Of course, it's hard to say what the box the man was in was in the video. I thought perhaps it was a  coffin, but then the symbolism could also have to do with being "separated". The box being the separation. 

For those who are curious, the link is as follows:

Rainy Monday

-Desmodus

Sleepless in Chicago

Please excuse the movie reference. :P 

It seems I'm having another sleepless night.  I suffer from insomnia lately, and sometimes it can get very irritating. Oddly, though, tonight I seem to be enjoying myself. The quiet is nice. My roomate is long since asleep, and I'm somewhat at peace, myself. 

I've been rereading Silverwing, since I remember little of it now. It was so long ago that I read that book, and due to my recent obsession, seems I must read it again! I've gotten three chapters done tonight, and I plan on reading more of the book, if the insomnia persists.

*Listens to the roomate snoring in the background* 

Many people claim they sometimes can't sleep, but I don't think that they've entirely experienced insomnia. Not like some people, including myself, that is. It's very clear that my roomate can sleep perfectly well, even under loud, distracting conditions. He's always advised me to stay calm when I can't sleep, because I have a tendency to panic. Interestingly, I'm not panicked at all right now. I just have a feeling that roomy will not be too happy when he finds out that I went most of, if not the entire night without sleep. He will scold me, and tell me that I should come and talk to him, but frankly, right now I don't care. I'm just enjoying the night, knowing full well I'll be exhausted tomorrow. :)

With love,

-Desmodus

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a bat!

Confusion is normal in the therianthropy community, but I will admit that sometimes my confusion goes a little...far. I've been known to jump leaps and bounds from one animal to another, but I think I've actually finally got a hold of myself. This article explains why I think I'm a bat.

It all started when I was very young. I've always loved bats. Probably, one of my first "encounters" with bats was when my parents read the book Stellaluna to me. I definitely loved bats then, and I know I loved bats at around age nine or ten, when I read the book Silverwing. I've always collected bat merchandise (plush, books, toys), and loved going to the zoo to see bats. 

It wasn't until recently that I saw this, however. My love of bats was never exactly an obvious "I love bats" more of a subtle feeling. Yet when I learned of therianthropy, my first reaction was "I'm a bat", which changed soon when I was "told" I wasn't. This was, of course, long before I learned that no one can tell you what you are.

It was a couple years later that I attempted scrying. In the mirror, I saw the shadows on my face form a bat like appearance with very obvious fangs and large ears, however it appeared to have a "mane", so I just assumed that it was a lion, as that was what I kept seeing in my meditations. These images kept showing up in the mirror, though. 

Another year or so later, I was trying to seriously figure out my theriotype. I felt small, rodent-like, so I thought perhaps I was a rodent. I didn't know how close, yet so far, I was then. 

Not long ago, when I finally realized I might have a bat theriotype, I was swinging on a swing. I got to thinking that cave myotis did not feel right, although I was pretty sure I was a microbat, since I use my ears far more than anything else (echolocation). It was then that my train of thought went from loving the rainforest my whole life, and loving warm climates and caves, to wanting to fly, wanting to drink blood when young/drinking blood from steaks (which may or may not relate), and having urges to bite/scrape toes. It was then that I had my "Holy Shit!" moment. I realized I may very well be a vampire bat. When I looked them up, I found another interesting detail: They tend to roost near banana plantations. I have always been fascinated by banana plants, and feel at home with them. 

Piecing everything together, then, did not take much time needless to say. The only question remaining is my exact subspecies. :)

With love, 

-Desmodus

ME

ME. The dictionary defines it as "The objective case of I". It is a simple word, and it is often overlooked as something everyone knows the meaning of. Yet, do we really know what "me" means? Let's go beyond the obvious; what does "me" mean to you? You've probably answered that it means yourself. That's all, right? That is all it means? Don't jump to conclusions. "Me" is a word that can mean many things, and is one of the most individualistic words out there. "Me" belongs to us as a definition of ourselves. Now do you really think you know me? If you do, then you must feel you know yourself inside and out. Is that really possible? 

Ask most therians and others who soul-search a great deal, and you will find that none of us claim to know ourselves completely. When it comes to finding yourself, and learning about yourself, it is a life-long process, that will most likely never be complete.

Bearing that in mind, I would like to tell you a bit about myself:

I'm a wolf/bat therian. I identify as a vampire bat, and tundra wolf. I'm also a furry. I've been around the community since I was 14 (I'm 19, when writing this), and I'm born female, but identify as bigendered, androgyne, gender fluid, and FTM (female to male transgender). 

This is my blog, and it will attempt to delve deeply into the depths of ME. 

-Desmodus